You know what I wanna do to three friendly, oh-so-concerned-about-the-crime-rates souls?

First I’d like to stab their throats so only they can hear their fears.

Then I’d slash the back of their knees so they know what it’s like to be at another’s mercy.

Followed by slices of their dirty fingers for contaminating my fucking money and my fucking skin and someone else’s skin. Before I give them karma the Arab way.

“Tegas…”

A slow, sensual, fulfilling piercing. With your basic corkscrew.

One bloody eyeball. One open mouth of gurgling horror.

“…adil…”

Another; his comrade’s. They could have been in the choir.

“…berhemah.”

The last accomplice’s. Again, just one. They could all use an eye patch.

If they feel like it, that is. Or if they have time to find one.

.

And I’ll make sure that the last thing they see is the badge on their caps.

Royal badge, my ass.

Upon my return from Bushland, I was thinking that a political reform in BNland also meant a reform in civic consciousness. In other words, I was hopeful that Bodoland is now only a legend.

But I counted my eggs too soon. For last Tuesday at Cold Storage Suria KLCC showed me otherwise…

Me: Excuse me. I bought these cookies about 20 minutes ago and I would like to return them for a refund. [gestures towards receipt that announced "perishable goods are refundable within 2 days. Non-perishable goods are refundable within 7 days."]

TudungGirl: Um, why, what is wrong?

Me: Nothing. I just changed my mind and would like my money back. I did not open these bags.

TudungGirl: Um, sorry, but we cannot allow that. You have to take something else.

Me: Excuse me wtf?

TudungGirl: Um, hold on.

Me: …U dun understan my Amedika issit

TudungGirl: [hollers to the counter next to TudungGirl's] Bang (or something)!

Bang: Ape? (What?)

TudungGirl: Die nak bagi balik ni. Tak boleh kan? (She wants to give back. Kenot, rite?)

Bang: Kenape die nak bagi balik? (Why she wan to give back?)

TudungGirl: [looks at me] Why do you want to return?

Me: I just changed my mind. I need the cash.

TudungGirl: Die kate die lepas beli tak nak ni. Nak wang die balik. (She say after she buy, she dowan. She wan her money back.)

Bang: [frowns and walks over after 5 seconds] What’s wrong, miss?

Me: First of all, did you know that in the States they call me ma’am, not miss, you rude fuck I bought these cookies twenty minutes ago and I would like to return them for a refund.

Bang: Is there anything faulty with them?

Me: No, I did not open them. I just changed my mind. I really need the cash back. And according to your receipt, apparently perishable goods are refundable within two days.

Bang: [stares at Me for 2 seconds and turns towards stupidTudungGirl] Pergi carik Manager.

TudungGirl: [nods and trots off to a nearby storage room or something similar]

Me: …At least Bush wouldn’t let this happen.

[5 long minutes later. The Bang left.]

TudungGirl: Miss, I’m sorry, but we cannot let you take your money back.

Me: Excuse me?

TudungGirl: You can take something else with the price.

Me: Take something else?

TudungGirl: Yes. You can take something else to have your money back.

Me: Why would I want to take something else? I just want to have my money back. I’m returning your goods here which are unspoiled and according to your receipt I can have my money back.

TudungGirl: Actually, no, we don’t allow that. My Manager say kenot.

Me: [torn between wanting to see the sohai MIA presumably diplomatic Manager and forgetting about it and rushing to next appointment] …Why cannot? I’m here for a refund like what your receipt allows me to get.

TudungGirl: [shakes head] We cannot give you your money back. It’s our policy. You have to take something else.

Me: [fed up] What if I were to take this (the cheapest of the three bags of American cookies) and ask for the rest back in cash?

TudungGirl: Cannot. You have to take something else that is as same as the price [points at Me's receipt total of RM47++] or more.

Me: Why the fuck would I want something I didn’t intend to buy in the first place And that’s according to who?

TudungGirl: The bossThe Manager.

Me: Do you understand that according to your receipt, I can get my money back?

TudungGirl: Yes.

Me: And I still cannot get my shit back?

TudungGirl: Yes.

Me: [louder voice] Okay, look, I don’t have time for this, but just so you know, as a customer, I am very dissatisfied with (your service). I’m looking for a refund like what your receipt allows, not an exchange. Get a real London teacher, dumbass. Your receipt here is an official statement from your company and what your manager has told you is inofficial (so it’s technically invalid, you dumb fuck). Do you understand?

TudungGirl: Yes.

Me: …People like you only justifies the deserving brain drain the government that Clorex-washed your brains are crying balls about, leaving unlucky, undeserving good folks to deal with the likes of you.

And so the heroine grabbed those god damned cookies and left in a grand fury, leaving her fellow sheep around wondering what was up her foreign ass, as the former was reminded of how company policies in Bodoland are always a Get-Out-of-Jail-Card kind of license for stupidity.

Later on, her friend Frus decided to pop her patriotic bubble further with more local news about sexy Hentai school outfits she was unaware of, which led to her discovery of how an Islamic movie can cause a nation-wide ban of susu Dutchlady. Coincidentally, HereticIndoCina told her how some Muslim sheep from 7-11 asked if he was a Malay or Chinese when he was checking out a susu Dutchlady because “susu ni haram, bang”.

She told him that at this rate, all “Malays” would have their identification cards checked just to be sure that they are not their Chinese, Indians, or Lain-lain fiends whenever they run out of breast milk.

.

(Author’s note: Also, check out Dutchlady Malaysia’s “important announcement.” Instead of saying how such Islamic radicals exist but they do not reflect every Muslim’s worldview, they condemned the film wholeheartedly, regardless of countless news reports and propagandas relating to the terrorism expressed in the film.)

The Cancerian mood is kicking in again. Fun times.

-:~:-

Statistics after being in Malaisie (again) for 11 days:

Being assumed to be a Japanese tourist: 7
Being assumed to be of Korean breed: ∞
Being assumed to be a cancer stick smoker: 3
Being hit on by random fucks: 7
Being hit on by people I didn’t really expect to hit on me: 3
Being asked why-did-you-cut-your-hair-long-hair-better-ma: 15
Being compared to thekinkyblue because of the hair: 1
Being half correctly called having a pixie hair cut: 1
Buying jewelery I didn’t needed: 6
Going to buy more stuff I don’t need: >1
Being treated like someone special from a faraway land: 23
Being accused of having an American accent: 4
Being accused of being a Western tourist who tries to be Malaysian by saying “lah” but takjadi: 2
Retaliating to one of the above accusers by saying that at least my hair colour doesn’t match my yellow t-shirt: 1
Plans made: >25
People met from plans: >15
People met outside of plans: >12
Being accused of being over-booked: 8
Being noticed for being an official hippie convert: 14
Char Kuay Teow-ed: 2
Nasi lemak-ed: 2
Wantan mee-ed: 1
Sarawak noodle-d: 1
Kai fan-ed: 1
Hailam mee-ed: 0.5
Nasi goreng-ed: 2
Ramli burger-ed: 1
Teh tarik-ed: 1
Milo ais-ed: 2
Barley-ed: 3
Bandung ais-ed: 3

Ayam lazy to continue for now. Sleepy.

-:~:-

The US (in general, after an observation of 9 months)
Pros:
1. People with better social etiquette
2. People with a more…respectful common sense
3. People with a more accepting frame of mind
4. People who sees a life outside of moolah and business calls
5. People who do their research before doing anything retarded or life-endangering
6. Godiva. And Reese’s.
7. AWESOME TGIF
8. Awesome affordable ethnic restaurants like Mediterranean, Thai, Japanese, Korean (!!), Tibetan (!!!), French, Italian, Irish…etc
9. Tibetan Cultural Center
10. Dalai Lama’s 87-years-old Dalai Lama brother who was once a professor in Indiana University Bloomington
11. Dollar Tree Store
12. Fashion of minimum lala-ness (including school wear) you would want to wear at least 5348 times before you donate them to the Salvation Army.
13. Factory outlet stores. Think Banana Republic at $10. And I wear Guess track pants. To sleep.
14. Breathable air. Bluer skies. Fluffier clouds. Greener trees.
15. Being able to distinguish the difference between government sponsored medical advice and research motivated medical advice on hemp plants, among other…methods of enlightenment. O: )
16. The opportunity to understand The Beatles, first hand.
17. Gym culture
18. Recycling culture
19. Smoking ban
20. Obamamamama
21. Marijuana legalization campaigns
22. More courteous drivers
22. Highway minimum speed limit
23. (More) Punctual, efficient public transportation
24. The currency exchange rate
25. Legality of 21
26. Spring time! Fall! Winter for holidays (only!)
27. People who are actually genuinely interested in your foreign culture if only because they’ve never been outside their gigantic state before
28. Chillout culture (Reminder: I’m mostly referring to Bloomington, Seattle, and Florida)
29. Very diverse culture. Culture shock can be paramount here, as long as you go out of your way, or not.
30. Very friendly, passionate, and casual relationships. Extremely practical/realistic and helpful
31. The non-existence of air kissers
32. The return/exchange policy
33. Amaz(ing)on.com
34. Incentives for the Creative Arts amongst other innovative fields in this land of real opportunities
35. The meritocracy system
36. The police force
37. Nationwide psychological understanding and support
38. Outspokenness and more straightforwardness; less hypocrisy and retarded censorship
39. Minority rights
40. MTV
41. More hairstylists who actually give you what you want because you asked for it. If they are not sure if something (like hair color or hairstyle) would work for you, they would refuse to jeopardize their pride and dignity for the sake of more moolah, if only because they believe in masterpieces and not half-ass jobs.

Unlike some hairstylists elsewhere, over the rainbow, who would assume that they know what you like and go ahead and decide for you, giving you an end result that would make Vidal Sassoon cry (like how blonde on most Asian skin would), if only because these people are lazy to go to class or go online to get more enlightened.

It helps that most international contemporary hairstyling techniques are in English.
-

Cons:
1. Boring, disgusting, obesity/bulimia-inducing SubwayMcDBurgerKingWendy’sDenny’sChick-A-Litetcetc
pastapastafuckingpastaagainT_T
2. Party. That’s what most people my age there seem to master in. Only.
3. People whose idea of a good party is Bud Light. And hip hop.
4. Some selfish arrogant bastards
5. American Chinese food, like General-wtf-Tsao chicken
6. Bush
7. Smoking ban
8. Highway maximum speed limit
9. Legality of 21
10. Four seasons. In one day.
11. Retarded, indecisive rain of no warning.
12. Very friendly and passionate but (very) casual relationships; temporal basis relationships; can be seen as very superficial/insignificant and selfish
13. The currency exchange rate
14. MTV
15. The beach. Hollywood lies.
16. Expensive a-minute-a-US-dollar massages

-:~:-

Malaisie (in general, after an observation of 20 mostly conscious years)

Pros:
1. Local and most Asian food
2. Ramli burger
3. Chillax culture of “lah”
4. Diverse worldly ideas and philosophies; more opportunities to be more critical and analytical, especially with the fucked up political reality and contradictory governmental system
5. Largely collectivist culture when it comes to relationships; feels more significant and meaningful
6. Consistent weather (and) temperature
7. The humour in (using) the national language
8. The retardation the humour of Berita Harian, RTM1, RTM2, TV3, NTV7
9. The entertaining interesting exciting lives and times of the bold and beautiful local politicians
10. The amount of local slangs you can use to cuss express how you feel
11. Some clubs/bars/lounges
12. Legality of 18
13. MAMAK culture
14. The beach
15. Cheap massages
-

Cons:
1. Most Western food
2. BN
3. ISA
4. Sedition Act
5. Syariah Court
6. Mat Rempits
7. Air-kissing Melayu Rempits and motor shop Bengs
8. The might of the Lala culture
9. Party = Hiphop/R&B
10. Company policy; license for stupidity
11. Non-breathable, sticky, heated air
12. How you need a car to go anywhere so you won’t drown in your own sweat
13. The incentives for the Creative Arts or anyone out of the norm
14. School t-shirt designs and tailoring
15. Highway maximum speed limit
16. Public transportation that is as punctual and efficient as the 9:30am-4:30pm government workers
17. Crime rate and the police force
18. Bribery
19. What meritocracy system?
20. People who are interested in your foreign culture if only because you’re some rich/good-looking novelty from foreign land
21. Nationwide psychological understanding and support
22. High sheep mentality-cum-extreme-hypocrisy/retardation/insecurity of whatever. I’m sien to repeat myself already
23. Majority rights
24. Hairstylists who compensate for their lack of skills with long unnecessary head massages while giving you a hairwash, using Jesus knows what kind of shampoo, and charging you the same price you’re charged for getting a similar treatment by a professional who is schooled and government certified in the US.

You also realize that half the time you get your haircut, you actually had to grow to like it.

(Author’s note: To be edited as the memory jogs erratically.)

-:~:-

I’m planning a massage some time tomorrow or Monday (what’s the occasion again?). It’s been a long overdue break.

idyllicburn (4:51:55 PM): i just realized how much of an arrogant prick jesus was, in a way
idyllicburn (4:52:02 PM): as much as he was compassionate
idyllicburn (4:52:23 PM): he was self-absorbed with his newfound knowledge, enough to want to form his own religion
idyllicburn (4:52:30 PM): how much more narcissistic can one get?

-

This probably applies to all other self-proclaimed religious founders (whose names I shall not state here in the name of wurl piss) as well.

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=9596417755

-

1st April, Boycott Malaysian Media Day
Free your mind for the truth!

Information
Event Info
Name:
1st April, Boycott Malaysian Media Day
Tagline:
Free your mind for the truth!
Host:
People of Malaysia
Type:
Causes - Protest

Time and Place
Start Time:
Tuesday, April 1, 2008 at 12:00am
End Time:
Wednesday, April 2, 2008 at 12:00am
Location:
The Whole of Malaysia
City/Town:
Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

Description
The Malaysian Mainstream Media has always been biased and it’s getting worse. Since the 2008 General Elections the Malaysian Mainstream Media has become more apparent with its biases towards a certain political party! Especially recent reports by BERNAMA who apparently misquoted Penang CM Mr. Lim Guan Eng on the May 13 issue (http://www.jeffooi.com/2008/03/utusan_and_bernama.php) and not to mention making mountains out of mole-hills!

So I say let’s switch off EVERY single Malaysian Mainstream Media for a day and let that be April 1st 2008!

Don’t buy newspapers (or go to their websites): Say NO! to The Star, NST, Utusan, Berita Harian, etc.

Don’t watch local channels: Say NO! to RTM1, RTM2, TV3, etc.

Make this known and make April 1st, a day where we demand the Malaysian Media truth in their reporting!

SHOW OUR COLLECTIVE POWER AND DEMAND OUR RIGHT TO TRUTH!

POWER TO THE RAKYAT!

–

Alternative News Source:

http://www.malaysiakini.com/

http://www.malaysia-today.net/

http://www.jeffooi.com/

http://themalaysianinsider.com/

http://www.news.google.com/ (just search for “malaysia”)

—-

We are no fools! We can handle the truth!

Commemorate April Fools day by not being one. Do not allow ourselves to be fooled.

Send a message to our media superpowers that we are matured Malaysians and we can think for ourselves. The media must serve the conscience of the people and answers to no one but to truth alone.

If we abstain from buying the newspapers, watching TV, tuning into the raido for news, logging on to news portals on the internet, even for one day, the loss generated will hopefully gain us a step closer to free and accountable journalism in Malaysia.

Free Your Mind!

http://www.aliran.com/oldsite/monthly/2001/8d.html

http://www.rsf.org/article.php3?id_article=24025

http://www.malaysiakini.com/news/77470

—

FAQ

Q: Is this event an April Fool’s joke?
A: This event is NOT A JOKE. TheStar is a joke. TheNST is a joke. TV3 is a joke. But this. is. not. a. joke.

Q: TheSun is free, so how?
A: Just Well just don’t take a copy. Let them collect back and recycle.

Q: Why don’t we make this boycott for a week?
A: (1) This initiative is to instill awareness, (2) We still want Malaysian mainstream media but a more fair and truthful version, (3) We’ll experiment for a day first for now… if the response is good we can even extend this to a month

Q: When and where is this event?
A: This event has no physical venue or congregation. Its merely creating an awareness for the date of 1st April to be a ‘Boycott Malaysian Mainstream Media Day” in order keep those who are in the industry be responsible in their journalistic duties to the people. No attendance is required. Just don’t buy the newspaper, watch news on TV and even tune into the radio on 1st April!

-

I have stopped trusting the Malaysian media since a long time ago.

Happy Merdeka, again.