I think I have a sick passion for making men fall in love with me. And keeping their interest.

There are times when I think I’ve fallen for some of them too but somehow, sometimes, once it’s certain that I have them for good, it suddenly becomes not enough. Not quite….there.

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Mr. Vintage Car once reminded me that there’s never such a thing as “enough”.

I used to counter back with a “there is, if your standard expectations have been met”.

He continued with a “perhaps, subconsciously, you’re looking for complex men. Often, they’re pretty fucked up.”

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He reminded me of what BestGuyFriend once said about non-Chinese and me. Especially Malays.

I haven’t told him that Mr. Vintage Car is Javanese Chinese.

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Fucked up men; complexity.

I think there are parts of me that I’m afraid to accept.

Because I don’t think that’s what I want. I don’t think I, or anyone sane for that matter, would want anything to promote insecurity in my life. I just want someone secure, sensitive, charismatic, witty, good-looking, loving, and inspiring to keep me naturally interested.

Something like Mr. Vintage Car here.

And the four before him.

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Something’s holding me back and it runs along the line of “comfort” and “rut”.

The message about my want for passion and ardent desire is now cryptic. Because I fear to lose the comfort from the rut.

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I just want to feel safe and happy.

Yet, happiness, for me, somehow comes with quite a detailed list of conditions. Terms and conditions apply.

I once made a list of the men I seem to have really fallen for before. A prominent note is that they share the same zodiac signs my astrology reading say are most compatible with my sign.

This revelation came after all shits happened. So somehow, based on experience and contemplation, if I were to meet someone who possess all the traits I liked about these men, it’s likely that I’d fall for him. I don’t know how much of my relationship status would matter.

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I feel sick. I don’t like this. I don’t like doubting my loyalty, especially since I request for it from others. I somehow have this fucking annoying inherent want to make sure that all’s fair and dandy though I know that it’s impossible to be 100% fair in this world and I don’t want to lose him.

Yet, perversely, I enjoy it.

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I wonder if I can ever have what I want while playing fair.

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The one before him once said to me: “Your wants are simple, yet many.”