After so many years of supremacy, due to capitalism and Eurocentrism, the nature of English seems to imply that it’s always politically correct.

Useless or/and redundant English phrases:

1. “Did you know/you know”

Too god damn many people just like to say things like “You know what happened yesterday?” and “You know?” and “I want to but I can’t. Well, you know…”

No, I don’t fucking know, thank you. Even if I do know, why do you still need to repeat what I already know?

2. “Guess what?”

This phrase has an unexplainable power to trigger the urge of the listener to ask “What?”, which doesn’t make sense anyway because the answer the speaker eventually give to his/her own question or to that reply of a question, is usually unrelated to the original question. There is absolutely no context in “what” apart from being a question of its own, so what the hell am I supposed to guess anyway?

3. “No offense, but…/No offense.”

Usually, people tend to say this when they think they’re about to say something offensive to the other person. But if there was anything offensive at all, wouldn’t it be up to the other person to decide? And if the other person did take offense, they’d have already lied from the beginning. Fucking hypocrites.

4. “Can I ask you a question?”

You’ve already asked one, dumbass.

5. “I can’t agree more.”

So you can agree less?

6. “Honestly/Honestly speaking/To tell you the truth/To be honest/Honest.”

Are you implying that you have been lying before? Frankly speaking, “frankly” is a better alternative.
7.

a) “Seriously/Really.”

I didn’t know that you were serious before. Thanks for the information.

b) “Seriously/Really?”

No, I was joking.

8. “At the end of the day”

The end of a day is night. Is that what you meant? No, then which day did you mean? There are so god damn many days in so many years. By the way, the end of any day is 11:59 p.m.

9. “Let me share this with you”

What if I say no?

10. “Not really”

“Do you want a goat?”

“Not really.”

What the hell is “not really”? You either want it or not. Yes or no. In this case, it’s a no. So why can’t you just say “No”? Time is precious, dingbat.

11.

a) “Nothing much”

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing much.”

What the fuck is “nothing much”? What the hell do you do with “nothing much”? If you don’t want to share what you’re doing at the moment, just say “something”. You’d save three characters worth of space to type something more useful like “lol”, “SOS”, “:o)”, “#%&”, “nln”, etc.

b) “Nothing.”

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing.”

In the process of saying that, you’d have opened your mouth, vibrated your throat, retracted your tongue, and closed your mouth. That was at least four things. And even if you didn’t reply, you’d either have been staring into space or staring at my awesomeness.

Liar.

12. “New and improved!”

I knew it. Your last product was a con. Why the hell do you advertise your “new” product by comparing it with other brands anyway? Why not compare it with your “old” and “unimproved” product? By the way, if your product is new, you can’t have anything previously to improve on.

n00b.

13. “Just a second/minute” (Especially “just a second“)

What a lie. Either that or your perception of time is so alien to me that we must be living on different planets.

14. “Has the bus come yet?”

Yes, it came and left without me so that I can tell you the answer.

15. “Are you sleeping?”

I am. And I’m dreaming about speaking to a moron. What do you think?

16. (When you have obviously cut your hair) “Did you cut your hair?”

No, it’s Autumn and I’m shedding.

17. “Do I know you?”

Why the fuck did you ask me that, dumbass? Do I look like the Oracle to you? Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know that it was a rhetorical question. So what the fuck was I supposed to do? Stare at you until you make sense out of yourself?

God save the Queen.

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Some credits to Leon and Shaolin Tiger.

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