After watching so many Idol series*, I wondered when the tone-deaf mongoloids in the audition rounds are going to stop attempting at breaking the judges’ drinking glasses. And looking at those delightfully monstrous acts in attempt to wow the judges (and the cameraman), I wondered when is the censorship board going to start classifying the audition rounds as 18 SG. Really now, from what I’ve observed, the audition rounds in the Idol series basically contained three main types of contestants and two sub types of contestants:

1) The-Ones-Who-Know-That-They-Can-Sing
2) The-Ones-Who-Don’t-Know-That-They-Can’t-Sing :-
2a)The-Ones-Who-Really-Don’t-Know-That-They-Can’t-Sing
2b) The-Ones-Who-Really-Don’t-Know-And-Don’t-Want-To-Know-That-They-Can’t-Sing
3) The-Ones-Who-Know-That-They-Can’t-Sing

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1. The-Ones-Who-Know-That-They-Can-Sing

- Confident (Sometimes/Eventually overconfident ==> obese-headed) beings who know what they can do.

- Basically, they are the prospective shoo-ins for the next round.

- They also would find the Idol auditions to be excellent stepping stones to evaluate their singer-performance skills. After all, not every singer gets to have 3 judges mocking him/her if he/she was crappy to start with. Normally he/she will just get the Big Bang through rotten album sales.

- These contestants would sing their very best and most of them would get in if the judges were having a good hair day. Of course, this kind of luck would only happen if the majority of the contestants were The-Ones-Who-Know-That-They-Can’t-Sing and The-Ones-Who-Don’t-Know-That-They-Can’t-Sing.

- But not everyone of this species can sing sing. With that, many eventually have their obese heads punctured by judges as they pass round after rounds. Then again, though some of them can sing sing, the judges still would puncture their obese heads. (Flashback: American Idol audition) Cowell did the honour to one of them who just didn’t look like an American Idol to him.

2. The-Ones-Who-Don’t-Know-That-They-Can’t-Sing:

Common factor: They will “unconsciously” go out of tune, have horrendous pitching problems or have the tendency to emulate the original singers in the worst versions ever. You wouldn’t know whether to jeer maliciously at them or to lovingly sympathise those lost souls.

2a) The-Ones-Who-Really-Don’t-Know-That-They-Can’t-Sing

- Poor little literally tone-deaf souls. They really seem as if they were random confused people who are hypnotised by desperate TV producers.

- (Flashback: American Idol audition) A renowned psychic predicted that she would at least end up in the Final 4. A wailing walrus she was.

2b) The-Ones-Who-Really-Don’t-Know-And-Don’t-Want-To-Know-That-They-Can’t-Sing

- Poor little delusional vocally-challenged souls.

- Firstly, they sing horribly. Secondly, they don’t want to know/admit that they sung horribly. Thirdly, after the audition, they zealously curse and rant about how judges are the biggest morons in the music history for telling them that their singing suck, so much that you just want to bitch slap them and incinerate their throats for severe air pollution. Should you succeed, they deserve some Darwin Awards for accidentally causing their own deaths from retarded rants.

3) The-Ones-Who-Know-That-They-Can’t-Sing

- The ones worth watching after all.

- By observing them, we can see just how intense the competitions for Best Horrifying Voice Impersonation, Best Mortifying Camwhoring Act, and Best Camwhoring Outfit are between these attention-deprived souls. All to attain the Whatever-Country-an/-ese/-ian (e.g. Malaysian, American) “Idiot” status.

- And after that, some would proudly do a William Hung, saying that they have done their best.

- (Flashback: Malaysian Idol audition) Remember the Indian boy who was hailed as The Britney Boy because he performed “Toxic” and “Me Against the Music” by Britney Spears in the last audition? And remember that this year, he made a comeback by singing “I’m Not A Girl, Not Yet a Woman?” And how, after all the shit thrown at him, he asked for the judges’ autographs.

That was my friend. I thought that he did a jolly good job in vying for Best-Horrifying-Voice-Impersonation. Oh and what about the male strip dancer from Penang who sang a non-existent “H” note? And the middle-aged uncle who dressed up in yellow hot pants and slapped his arse?

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Now, what sort of self-image do you perceive from them? We can see that The-Ones-Who-Know-That-They-Can-Sing that can really sing are as rare as bribe-free Malaysian driving licenses. We can see that The-Ones-Who-Know-That-They-Can’t-Sing and The-Ones-Who-Don’t-Know-That-They-Can’t-Sing are as rare as 3-for-RM10 VCDs.

Let’s give a standing ovation to those brave misunderstood potentials for putting so much effort into self-humiliation on TV. Then again, many of them don’t deserve the credit because they had too much fun acting like spastic kids for publicity. And the whole big hype as if they are the Chosen Ones ends with reality bitch-slapping them and they fall over to the Dark Side. After all that worshipping towards the Idol competitions, they end up howling to the camera about what a bitch the whole system was for maximizing the impact of their self-inflicted traumas. It was like imbeciles whining about not winning the lottery.

Final image conveyed? Overemotional attention-deprived idiots who are useful for TV ratings.

* If you don’t know what the Idol series are, watch more TV.