Years back, I used to take taxis to get me from place to place all the time. I see different types of drivers all the time. Some are nice, some are rude, some are misers, some are generous, some are fat, some are short, some are ugly, but one thing is, why are almost all of them men?

No, women can drive too, thanks very much.

I was 14. I loved fooling taxi drivers into thinking that I was one loaded customer. I would usually go on my shopping sprees and end up with only a measly couple of MYR to get a ride home (think only MYR 3). Unlike extremely packed stinking buses, you can sleep in taxis without any major BO-producing freaks practising Sumo wrestling with you. So, being the spoilt brat that I was, I only wanted taxis. After telling them my destination (which is normally somewhere over the rainbow), I would settle down rather comfortably, until we were within 1-2 kilometres radius of my destination.

[Cue: Search inside wallet, start pouring out coins, counting them one by one noisily.]
“Oh no…”
[Cue: Puppy dog eyes, if possible, tearing.]
“What’s wrong, girl?”
“I suddenly don’t have enough money to pay you.”
[Cue: Sharp intake of breath. Keywords registered: Not enough money.]
“Why?”
[Cue: Soft voice.]
“I used up too much money to buy my mother a present…”
[Cue: Pause]
“How much do you have?”
[The journey costs at least RM 6]
“Three Ringgit.”
[Cue: Long pause. Deep breathing.]
“Okay la, just for you only, and this time only.”

But not all things end that well…

[14 years old Me. Venue: Sunway Pyramid. Destination: SS2 Estimated Cost: MYR 8 at that time.]

Me: “SS2″
Olephart: “Ok.”
[5 minutes later]
Olephart: “So how are you?”
Me: “Not too good.”
Olephart: “What happened?”
Me: “The millennium bug.”
Olephart: “Haha, that one nothing wan la.”
Me: “Got la. Something bad happened yesterday.”
Olephart: “Why? Your boyfriend dumped you?”
Me: “No, why do you think that I have a boyfriend?”
Olephart: ” ‘Cause you pretty mah…”
Me: “So if I’m pretty must have boyfriend meh?”
Olephart: “Heh, no la. Anyway it’s okay if you dun have one.”
Me: “Uh, yeah.”
[2 minutes of silence. A car with lesbians making out passed by us.]
Olephart: “Aiyoh, you know ah, before I fetch you right, I had two lesbians as my customers.”
Me: “Oooh, really ah? How did they look like?”
Olephart: “Oh, the Chinese one very cun but the Indian one damn fat and a lot of pimples. They were kissing in the back summore. So disgusting.”
Me: “Wah, I thought free show for you?”
Olephart: “Ai yer, you know what they say o not? Talk about lick here, lick there, something about uh, ve-jai-na. Do you know what’s that ah? Nevermind la, young girls like you shouldn’t know.”
Me: “Uh..huh…”
[30 seconds later, I frantically searched inside my wallet, and started pouring out coins, counting them one by one noisily.]
Me: “Oh no…”
[Cue: Puppy dog eyes, if possible, tearing.]
Olephart: “What?”
Me: “I suddenly don’t have enough money to pay you.”
[Cue: Sharp intake of breath. Key words registered: Not enough money.]
Olephart: “What you mean?”
[Cue: Soft voice.]
Me: “I used up too much money to buy my mother a present…”
[Cue: Pause]
Olephart: “How much do you have?”
Me: “Um, three ringgit?”
[Cue: Long pause. Deep breathing.]
Olephart: “Girl ah, you dunno that you kenot go to SS2 with oni RM3, meh?”
Me: “But my friend told me I could.”
Olephart: “Your friend wrong la. Actually cannot wan but nevermind la. You pay what you can, ok?”
Me: “Okay, thank you, uncle.”
[3 minutes later]
Olephart: “So you got boyfriend?”
Me: “Yeah.”
Olephart: “What do you do together with him?”
Me: “We eat, we talk, we walk…”
Olephart: “Hehe, do you kiss?”
Me: “Um…”
Olephart: “You know ah, my wife is so nice ah, but she don’t let me sleep with her until I have to masturbate.”
Me: “…”
Olephart: “You know what masturbate is? Ahaha, nevermind, young girls don’t need to know.”
Me: “…”
Olephart: “But one day you’ll know la. When you marry, then you’ll know.”
Me: “…”
Olephart: “You know ah, in the old(en) days, if you’re in arranged marriage ar, like in Sarawak, you must be virgin or not your husband dowan you?”
Me: “…”
Olephart: “They can check wan oso you know, so girls have to be careful, or they can say that the thing tear aredi so they dunno oso..”
Me: “…”
[Salvation in SS2 spotted.]
Me: “Thanks, you can at the bus stop.”
Olephart: “Ok, you take care, ah.”
[Taxi stopped. I started to escape.]
Me: “Yeah. I’m sorry that I only have 3 bucks. (Not.)”
Olephart: “Oh, ok ok..”
[Cue: Transaction of MYR 3]
Me: [Getting out of the taxi] “Okay, thanks, bye.”
[Cue: An Ah Sam(middle-aged aunty) took over with her fat arse.]
Olephart: “Eh, girl, one more thing! Remember…”
Me: “What?”
Olephart: “DON’T MASTURBATE, yah?”

[Cue: 20 nosy bus stop gits stared.]