After watching so many Idol series*, I wondered when the tone-deaf mongoloids in the audition rounds are going to stop attempting at breaking the judges’ drinking glasses. And looking at those delightfully monstrous acts in attempt to wow the judges (and the cameraman), I wondered when is the censorship board going to start classifying the audition rounds as 18 SG. Really now, from what I’ve observed, the audition rounds in the Idol series basically contained three main types of contestants and two sub types of contestants:

1) The-Ones-Who-Know-That-They-Can-Sing
2) The-Ones-Who-Don’t-Know-That-They-Can’t-Sing :-
2a)The-Ones-Who-Really-Don’t-Know-That-They-Can’t-Sing
2b) The-Ones-Who-Really-Don’t-Know-And-Don’t-Want-To-Know-That-They-Can’t-Sing
3) The-Ones-Who-Know-That-They-Can’t-Sing

–

1. The-Ones-Who-Know-That-They-Can-Sing

- Confident (Sometimes/Eventually overconfident ==> obese-headed) beings who know what they can do.

- Basically, they are the prospective shoo-ins for the next round.

- They also would find the Idol auditions to be excellent stepping stones to evaluate their singer-performance skills. After all, not every singer gets to have 3 judges mocking him/her if he/she was crappy to start with. Normally he/she will just get the Big Bang through rotten album sales.

- These contestants would sing their very best and most of them would get in if the judges were having a good hair day. Of course, this kind of luck would only happen if the majority of the contestants were The-Ones-Who-Know-That-They-Can’t-Sing and The-Ones-Who-Don’t-Know-That-They-Can’t-Sing.

- But not everyone of this species can sing sing. With that, many eventually have their obese heads punctured by judges as they pass round after rounds. Then again, though some of them can sing sing, the judges still would puncture their obese heads. (Flashback: American Idol audition) Cowell did the honour to one of them who just didn’t look like an American Idol to him.

2. The-Ones-Who-Don’t-Know-That-They-Can’t-Sing:

Common factor: They will “unconsciously” go out of tune, have horrendous pitching problems or have the tendency to emulate the original singers in the worst versions ever. You wouldn’t know whether to jeer maliciously at them or to lovingly sympathise those lost souls.

2a) The-Ones-Who-Really-Don’t-Know-That-They-Can’t-Sing

- Poor little literally tone-deaf souls. They really seem as if they were random confused people who are hypnotised by desperate TV producers.

- (Flashback: American Idol audition) A renowned psychic predicted that she would at least end up in the Final 4. A wailing walrus she was.

2b) The-Ones-Who-Really-Don’t-Know-And-Don’t-Want-To-Know-That-They-Can’t-Sing

- Poor little delusional vocally-challenged souls.

- Firstly, they sing horribly. Secondly, they don’t want to know/admit that they sung horribly. Thirdly, after the audition, they zealously curse and rant about how judges are the biggest morons in the music history for telling them that their singing suck, so much that you just want to bitch slap them and incinerate their throats for severe air pollution. Should you succeed, they deserve some Darwin Awards for accidentally causing their own deaths from retarded rants.

3) The-Ones-Who-Know-That-They-Can’t-Sing

- The ones worth watching after all.

- By observing them, we can see just how intense the competitions for Best Horrifying Voice Impersonation, Best Mortifying Camwhoring Act, and Best Camwhoring Outfit are between these attention-deprived souls. All to attain the Whatever-Country-an/-ese/-ian (e.g. Malaysian, American) “Idiot” status.

- And after that, some would proudly do a William Hung, saying that they have done their best.

- (Flashback: Malaysian Idol audition) Remember the Indian boy who was hailed as The Britney Boy because he performed “Toxic” and “Me Against the Music” by Britney Spears in the last audition? And remember that this year, he made a comeback by singing “I’m Not A Girl, Not Yet a Woman?” And how, after all the shit thrown at him, he asked for the judges’ autographs.

That was my friend. I thought that he did a jolly good job in vying for Best-Horrifying-Voice-Impersonation. Oh and what about the male strip dancer from Penang who sang a non-existent “H” note? And the middle-aged uncle who dressed up in yellow hot pants and slapped his arse?

–
Now, what sort of self-image do you perceive from them? We can see that The-Ones-Who-Know-That-They-Can-Sing that can really sing are as rare as bribe-free Malaysian driving licenses. We can see that The-Ones-Who-Know-That-They-Can’t-Sing and The-Ones-Who-Don’t-Know-That-They-Can’t-Sing are as rare as 3-for-RM10 VCDs.

Let’s give a standing ovation to those brave misunderstood potentials for putting so much effort into self-humiliation on TV. Then again, many of them don’t deserve the credit because they had too much fun acting like spastic kids for publicity. And the whole big hype as if they are the Chosen Ones ends with reality bitch-slapping them and they fall over to the Dark Side. After all that worshipping towards the Idol competitions, they end up howling to the camera about what a bitch the whole system was for maximizing the impact of their self-inflicted traumas. It was like imbeciles whining about not winning the lottery.

Final image conveyed? Overemotional attention-deprived idiots who are useful for TV ratings.

* If you don’t know what the Idol series are, watch more TV.

I’m feeling down. I hate that. I know that it’s normal. That feeling.

I have a lot of friends. No. Scratch that. I have a lot aquaintances. Names pass me by like breeze would pass by a coconut tree. For a moment it stirs, catching the wind in its leaves. Then the wind would go.

I feel lonely.

I have an extremely selected memory. People remember my name better than I remember theirs. Yet, my name is no more unusual than theirs would be. Everytime I meet someone new, I ask for their names. Normally for the sake of politeness. I told myself that I would forget their names soon enough.

Self-fulfilling prophecy.

Too often have I don’t practise what I preach. I have emphasized on the value of friendship. I have emphasized on the value of individualism. I have emphasized on the value of perserverance. I have emphasized on…forget it. I’m only procreating bollocks.

This is good. I’m embracing my demons once more.

Apparently some people don’t get why I have a love-hate relationship with Madagascar.

One terrifying afternoon on MSN:

[Irrelevant part cut out]
Me says: let’s not talk abt horror pls
Me says: i had enuf frm madagascar
Friend says: madacasgar is nice
Friend says: i like to move it move it…
Me says: the steaks are scary
Me says: lemurs are the ultimate hideorable*
Friend says: lol
Friend says: steaks scary?
Me says: petrifying
Friend says: lemurs hideorable?
Friend says: WTF
Me says: din u read my blog??
Friend says: i know
Friend says: but y la
Friend says: i find em funny
Me says: i explained why!!
Me says: i know that they’re funny
Me says: but the looks of them
Friend says: ham sap onli ma
Me says: yesssssssssssssssss
Me says: yesterday i just got cat-called again, okay
Friend says: ………….ok………….
Me says: arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Friend says: oh ya,ur a girl,no wonder (Author’s Note: WHAT “no wonder”?? Do ALL girls get constant cat-calls??? N. O.)
Me says: lemurs.
Me says: esp the king
Me says: as funny as he may be
Me says: he’s like a sexual fiend
Friend says: LOL,Ali G
Me says: yes
Me says: see.
Me says: ali g is like the ultimate pervert icon
Me says: and he played the king too well
Friend says: lol
Friend says: cant stop lol-ing
Friend says: man,weird, other female frens of mine say he is adorable
Friend says: and the steaks……..
Friend says: din know food can b scary to u -_-v
Friend says: Do I look like a steak to you?
Friend says: wats so scary with tht man
Me says: like i said
Me says: imagine ur food grinning sickeningly at u before u can eat it
Me says: imagine ur Snickers
Me says: ur burgers
Me says: ur Dilbert mug
Me says: ur spoon
Me says: all before u can put them into ur mouth
Me says: they’re like clowns!!
Me says: would you ever dare eat clown-faced cakes??
Me says: they smile at u man
Friend says: LOL
Friend says: ill gladly eat em more
Me says: i’ll suffer frm food-poisoning
Friend says: man,u just made me sprayed on my monitor cuz of ur explanation
Me says: wipe it
Friend says: lol
Friend says: wahahahhahahahahahhaa
Me says: tell me that i’m weird
Me says: pls
Friend says: yes u are
Me says: k
Me says: good
Me says: i’m normal again
Friend says: thts for sure with ur steak explanation
Me says: what abt lemurs??
Me says: everyone else in this gawddam world thinks that they’re cute
Me says: i’ll maintain that they’re scary
Friend says: lemurs abit weird oso ur explanation,but understandable
Me says: yes
Me says: good
Friend says: lol
Me says: maurice and mort are the only cute ones
Me says: and sane ones
Friend says: lol
Friend says: the other lemurs le?
Me says: nymphos
Friend says: i like to move it move it,i like to move it move it
Friend says: i love tht song,lol
Me says: fucking get a room man
Friend says: lol,u seriously hate tht lemurs ke
Me says: not really
Me says: just the whole thing terrorizes me
Friend says: lol
Friend says: its a no.1 show in US now
Friend says: the penguins is oso another nice 1
Me says: ah
Me says: yes
Me says: anythin but the lemurs and steaks
Friend says: ………lol
Me says:penguins rock
Friend says: yea
Friend says: man,ur explanation is gonna b a classic humour to me
Me says: it IS
Me says: cuz
Me says: i’m the only one freaked out here
Friend says: yep,and tht makes it classic,WAHAHAHAHA
Me says: i dunno why can’t anybody else see those smiley steaks like i do
Friend says: y not,i oso can c wert
Me says: i noe that they’re drawn disgustingly cute
Me says: but
Me says: they talk and grin
Me says: imagine ur food doing that among themselves
Me says: steak 1:”ooh, how’s it going man?”
steak 2:”great! my dad told me that we’re going to get eaten anytime now”
steak 3:”isn’t that like SO COOL??”
steak 1:”yeah man! i get to visit my grandma in one of the iileums!”
steak 3:”Oh oh, and aunt Doris who might be stuck in the rectum!!”
Friend says: LOL
Friend says: its just a cartoooooooon
Me says: but that’s what those steaks at the zoo were doing!!
Me says: those ppl-morphed steaks!
Me says: and stupid lemurs-morphed steaks
Friend says: LOL
Friend says: i still like the zebra part: Do I look like a steak to you?
Friend says: and the lion just go yesssssssssss
Me says: for that, i was like
Me says: another steak
Me says: i don’t want to eat steak anymore
Friend says: nice la to me
Friend says: im sure evry1 in the cinema laughed like hell
Me says: i did laugh
Me says: but
Me says: the steak silenced me

*Hideorable [noun/adj]: Hideously adorable.

Years back, I used to take taxis to get me from place to place all the time. I see different types of drivers all the time. Some are nice, some are rude, some are misers, some are generous, some are fat, some are short, some are ugly, but one thing is, why are almost all of them men?

No, women can drive too, thanks very much.

I was 14. I loved fooling taxi drivers into thinking that I was one loaded customer. I would usually go on my shopping sprees and end up with only a measly couple of MYR to get a ride home (think only MYR 3). Unlike extremely packed stinking buses, you can sleep in taxis without any major BO-producing freaks practising Sumo wrestling with you. So, being the spoilt brat that I was, I only wanted taxis. After telling them my destination (which is normally somewhere over the rainbow), I would settle down rather comfortably, until we were within 1-2 kilometres radius of my destination.

[Cue: Search inside wallet, start pouring out coins, counting them one by one noisily.]
“Oh no…”
[Cue: Puppy dog eyes, if possible, tearing.]
“What’s wrong, girl?”
“I suddenly don’t have enough money to pay you.”
[Cue: Sharp intake of breath. Keywords registered: Not enough money.]
“Why?”
[Cue: Soft voice.]
“I used up too much money to buy my mother a present…”
[Cue: Pause]
“How much do you have?”
[The journey costs at least RM 6]
“Three Ringgit.”
[Cue: Long pause. Deep breathing.]
“Okay la, just for you only, and this time only.”

But not all things end that well…

[14 years old Me. Venue: Sunway Pyramid. Destination: SS2 Estimated Cost: MYR 8 at that time.]

Me: “SS2″
Olephart: “Ok.”
[5 minutes later]
Olephart: “So how are you?”
Me: “Not too good.”
Olephart: “What happened?”
Me: “The millennium bug.”
Olephart: “Haha, that one nothing wan la.”
Me: “Got la. Something bad happened yesterday.”
Olephart: “Why? Your boyfriend dumped you?”
Me: “No, why do you think that I have a boyfriend?”
Olephart: ” ‘Cause you pretty mah…”
Me: “So if I’m pretty must have boyfriend meh?”
Olephart: “Heh, no la. Anyway it’s okay if you dun have one.”
Me: “Uh, yeah.”
[2 minutes of silence. A car with lesbians making out passed by us.]
Olephart: “Aiyoh, you know ah, before I fetch you right, I had two lesbians as my customers.”
Me: “Oooh, really ah? How did they look like?”
Olephart: “Oh, the Chinese one very cun but the Indian one damn fat and a lot of pimples. They were kissing in the back summore. So disgusting.”
Me: “Wah, I thought free show for you?”
Olephart: “Ai yer, you know what they say o not? Talk about lick here, lick there, something about uh, ve-jai-na. Do you know what’s that ah? Nevermind la, young girls like you shouldn’t know.”
Me: “Uh..huh…”
[30 seconds later, I frantically searched inside my wallet, and started pouring out coins, counting them one by one noisily.]
Me: “Oh no…”
[Cue: Puppy dog eyes, if possible, tearing.]
Olephart: “What?”
Me: “I suddenly don’t have enough money to pay you.”
[Cue: Sharp intake of breath. Key words registered: Not enough money.]
Olephart: “What you mean?”
[Cue: Soft voice.]
Me: “I used up too much money to buy my mother a present…”
[Cue: Pause]
Olephart: “How much do you have?”
Me: “Um, three ringgit?”
[Cue: Long pause. Deep breathing.]
Olephart: “Girl ah, you dunno that you kenot go to SS2 with oni RM3, meh?”
Me: “But my friend told me I could.”
Olephart: “Your friend wrong la. Actually cannot wan but nevermind la. You pay what you can, ok?”
Me: “Okay, thank you, uncle.”
[3 minutes later]
Olephart: “So you got boyfriend?”
Me: “Yeah.”
Olephart: “What do you do together with him?”
Me: “We eat, we talk, we walk…”
Olephart: “Hehe, do you kiss?”
Me: “Um…”
Olephart: “You know ah, my wife is so nice ah, but she don’t let me sleep with her until I have to masturbate.”
Me: “…”
Olephart: “You know what masturbate is? Ahaha, nevermind, young girls don’t need to know.”
Me: “…”
Olephart: “But one day you’ll know la. When you marry, then you’ll know.”
Me: “…”
Olephart: “You know ah, in the old(en) days, if you’re in arranged marriage ar, like in Sarawak, you must be virgin or not your husband dowan you?”
Me: “…”
Olephart: “They can check wan oso you know, so girls have to be careful, or they can say that the thing tear aredi so they dunno oso..”
Me: “…”
[Salvation in SS2 spotted.]
Me: “Thanks, you can at the bus stop.”
Olephart: “Ok, you take care, ah.”
[Taxi stopped. I started to escape.]
Me: “Yeah. I’m sorry that I only have 3 bucks. (Not.)”
Olephart: “Oh, ok ok..”
[Cue: Transaction of MYR 3]
Me: [Getting out of the taxi] “Okay, thanks, bye.”
[Cue: An Ah Sam(middle-aged aunty) took over with her fat arse.]
Olephart: “Eh, girl, one more thing! Remember…”
Me: “What?”
Olephart: “DON’T MASTURBATE, yah?”

[Cue: 20 nosy bus stop gits stared.]

I watched Madagascar today instead of Friday and survived. Thank goodness the whole Negaraku bullshit hasn’t started yet. Anyway, I thought that the movie was a runner up to It the evil clown. It was plain scary to me. Clowns are the walking evils. Lemurs come in second. Not any lemurs in particular, but the ones in Madagascar.

Have you ever seen horny little lemur bastards gyrating around, chanting “I like to move it, move it, you like to move it, move it…” while displaying sex-deprived-looking grins? No? Yes? Whatever, just watch Madagascar. You can actually feel sexually assaulted by watching them grin. Lemurs in Madagascar are the epitome of deranged nymphomaniacs-cum-hard-core-clubbers. (Maybe except for Mort and Maurice) They freaking party like it’s 1999 in Amsterdam. Imagine lemurs on Ecstasy and you can get the picture. They’re like little yippy dogs who are high in their golden years, humping anything with curves. Those lemurs also probably have massive orgies after their dances of foreplay. Their religion was probably Rabbitology. No wonder they still appear in a gigantic number even though their existence was “jeapordized” by the Foosas.

The nightmare that came after that massive foreplay scene was the moving steaks. Not when Alex the Lion first dreamt about them. At least those were dead steaks. I’m talking about grinning happy-happy-joy-joy ALIVE steaks here. The movie was invaded by colonies of scary happy steaks. Imagine your steak smiling at you when it was served. And your steak then proceed to interact with the steak next plate. And the whole thing becomes a Barney/Teletubbies program. A series of unfortunate events.

Save your souls… If you still want to watch this movie, you should make damn sure that your insurance coverage is still valid before you watch it.

Movie Ratings:
Comedy: (Slapstick/Goofy) 7/10
Horror: (Psychological Thriller) 9.4/10